This is what happens when you send a Field Guide and a Somatologist to a lodge/spa - informal review by two self proclaimed critics
So myself and Vanessa got treated to a spa day/sleepover at Gocheganas Wellness Centre just South-East of Windhoek. On arrival and after check-in we have a coffee in our room and we have half an hour to get ready for our treatment, an outdoor massage and we're super stoked. We wait a little to long for our luggage but after a call to reception we receive it and quickly get ready.
We arrive at the spa, we're a bit early but still expect someone to be at reception, a therapist pass us in the waiting area with a plate of food now smelling up the serene atmosphere and practically ignores us, we take initiative and start filling in the client form, the phone rings for what felt like 10mins stopping and starting again and we can hear the therapists laughing somewhere presumably having lunch, eventually (yes we were early but any form of communication would have been welcome) we are taken to the dressing room to change into over/under sized bathrobes, now I was thinking there is some outdoor boma where the massages take place, wrong! We are loaded in a gameviewer, now u need to picture this, I'm drowning in my manly size bathrobe and Vanessa got a petite version that stops at her elbows and barely cover her....well u know
We get on the gameviewer and by this time we are in a fit of giggles (tourists would've not found this funny) as we're now driving on a gravel road in sleepwear in the middle of nowhere, next moment we go offroad, the driver/guide is definitely not keeping to the speed limit so I'm swinging like a monkey that has dropped out of beauty school and stole the robe on the way out on the bars of the vehicle and Van is trying to keep her robe in place and in the process getting way to much wind on the (throat clear) subject, so now we're histerical with laughter!
So still we think there should be a structure somewhere in the veld for this treatment, wrong again, the driver and the two therapists are having a debate as to which tree has the least bugs, then we're waiting on the game viewer for our beds to be set up whilst the guide asks me to fix his phone (tsk tsk) eventually we're allowed off the vehicle and the treatment starts, now ur lying face down into a hole in the bed smelling poo with flies circling around your nostrils but it is an hour without a phone, kids, work etc so we're grateful but the poo smell is really overpowering and literally leaves a bad taste in your mouth which makes it difficult to enjoy the treatment, I swat at a fly, almost dislocate my shoulder as I get tangled in the towels ontop of me and nearly punch the therapist in the face..
Treatment over and the therapists starts packing up, one of them calls the driver but we see him only leave the lodge on the hilltop about 10mins later whilst we're still sitting in the bush half naked with a herd of about 100 springbok as spectators, I decide I don't actually mind this waiting to much as I'm in the bush which I love if only it wasn't for the ginormous need for a water chamber so we did come to the conclusion that the treatment would be alot more pleasant was the randomly selected area cleared of poo, there be some citronella burning and the driver perhaps given a time to return instead of calling him after the treatment, clients still swatting flies and all seeing as you're drenched in massage oil seemingly pleasant to flies aswell. Overall the girls were well trained but certainly lacking some techniques which can be rectified with a refresher course and clients shouldn't have to wait around for set-up not at the rates the spa is charging.
We get back to our room and realise we have half a litre of massage oil in our hair aswell and Van has got a "Something about Mary" moment
By now we need something to drink other than water, I opt for a non-alcoholic beer and she orders a Sprite Zero, we go chill by the outdoor pool, I'm in trouble for playing candy crush (when do moms get time for candy crush? But my argument doesn't fly) so I fool around with pics instead
Now I want to go to the indoor heated pool, I try all sorts of tactics to convince Van as I never got to swim there when the kids were with us as they're not allowed at the spa pool, I tell her about the water drop and the stunning view. She reluctantly obliges, we get there, we swim to the drop and man now we laugh, the window is so dirty we can't see shit of the view, after composing ourselves, back to the room and by now we're starving on this health mission so we decide on a quick shower before dinner, I head for the bath and it's bliss! No toys, no pieces of bath crayon, no unidentifiable bits floating around, Van heads for the shower and after about 10mins of fighting with the showerhead she decides to jump in the bath instead, I get out determined to fix the shower.....there, fixed it....
She decides to stay in the bath...
We head for dinner and by now I want to eat the tablecloth, Van is having a lenghty conversation with the chef as to her 100g chicken and 120g veg, no carrots, no parsley, I'm eyeing the bread basket on the table next to us and wondering if the two tourists sitting at the table will notice if I grab their basket of bread (the one I didn't order as I'm spoiled by #lindasheavenlybread and won't compromise).
Food arrives, the best Oryx steak I've had in a long time, crisp potatoes and al dente veg, I inhale my plate and have to be reminded to eat slower, Julia the chef cooked Van's meal perfectly and we watch the most amazing sunset, the restaurant service is fantastic.
Back in our room we proceed to bed after sitting outside for a while listening to two black backed jackals call, bliss
I wake up to "I'm never sleeping in the same bed as you again, next time we get two rooms" aparently I kick in my sleep, alot! Now I know why my husband sometimes move to the kids rooms at night.
Overall we have not laughed, chilled and have girl time like this in what feels like forever and we'll go again sooner rather than later, maybe just opt for an indoor treatment next time.
We want to thank Heloise Smith so much for this spoil, we needed it and we loved it!
